Friday, January 23, 2015

Quotes and SATs

"I want to go home. Why can't I just go home?"

"I wish I could live a different life until all this was over."

"Why is everyone asking me to hurt myself?"

These are all things that Pants said to me over the last 8 hours, the last one just before midnight. Her oxygen saturation levels were dipping below 90 even though she was breathing just fine (95 or better is what we want to see). The nurse was asking her to cough and take deep breaths and that makes her back hurt. I was getting her to breathe deeply and her levels were getting up into the 90's again but would dip back down after she stopped the deep inhalations. Apparently this is common when kids (and possibly adults) are on morphine and sleeping deeply. At least that's what the nurse told me. I Googled it and didn't get the search terms right I'm sure because all I found were links to terrifying studies I could have gone all week without having seen.

Stupid Internet. 

The nurse went away and came back with a cylindrical container of water that she attached to the oxygen hole in the wall and then hooked up one of those over-the-ear and up-your-nose plastic tubes. Immediately her SATs spiked back. The oxygen bong was working!

I felt better and thought of Vinny Barbarino. Pants said to me, "I feel like Hazel Grace". I asked her if that was April Grace's mother or grandmother and Pants made a face; one of sheer disappointment that, had she been in a healthier mood, would have come with a  "Dad-dy!" (if you know my daughter you have heard this many times before). She then informed me that Hazel was the terminally ill kid from The Fault In Our Stars. I made sure she knew that this was a little different and that she didn't have cancer, she just had morphine. She hit her button and gave me her best smile. That kid has got impeccable comedic timing.

All was well again. Now if we could just the the code red in sector whatever to stop that would be great. Also, they are performing maintenence on the code red system so if you have a code red dial extension 5555 (or get in touch with Colonel Jessup).

To wrap up the evening's midnight festivities she closed with a quote that would make Charlie Sheen proud:

"I just took five pills!" [all at once]

*drops mic*

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